I have been talking about how I really hate drugs. But I have never told you why. Like I said in the post before this, I want to do this so that people that's having a hard time open up maybe gets inspired to talk about their problems and to get help to feel better. Maybe someone can relate to what I'm going to tell you. This is a really big deal for me, talking about this. I haven't been able to do it for a long time, because I get thoughts in my head that's just killing me. And this is also like therapy for me, that I can talk about it and stop bottle it up inside, because that's what makes me sad, that I can't even talk about it.
I haven't used drugs myself, but a man that's really important in my life has, and it has affected me in ways I didn't think could be possible. I wont say any names or tell you who this is, because that would be mean. I don't wanna be mean to this person, because he is really important to me. Even if it's a friend, a boyfriend, a familymember, it doesn't matter.
I can't tell you how it all started, because that would be like telling you all who it is. But I can tell you that when it all started, I didn't think it would affect me this much. I didn't like that he was using drugs, and I told him that. He said that he would quit, but I think it was too hard for him. And I understand, it's hard just to quit like that.
And after spending some time with him and his friends, I started to understand that I didn't wanna be a part of what they were doing at all. They could be very mean to me, and I couldn't do anything. And I did everything to see him, because like I said, he's very important to me. So you can say that I was stuck. And I went through so much just to be with him, and his friends was always there. When I told him that I couldn't deal with the drugs, we started to fight almost every day. But like I said, I was stuck.
When you're so into drugs, it's hard to think about how you're treating the people you love. He regrets everything he did to me back then. He has quit with the drugs, and it's all wonderful now. But I still have the memories. It went on like that for 1 ½ years. So it has gone so deep inside me. I can't even watch movies or read books that has maybe only one scene with drugs. I get sad and think about it for a long time.
But until a few days ago, on Valborg, it was really bad. And at my friend's house a man that has been taking drugs before talked about it with us. He has been talking about it with many young people so that they would know to not get involved. It was so hard for me to listen, usually I would just have walked out the room. But I held one of my friends hand, and listened to what this man had to tell me. And I got really sad, it hurt so much listening to everything he told me. But it helped. That I finally got to talk about it, to just let it all out and to cry and almost knowing how the man that is important to me, that this post is about, almost knowing how he's been feeling. It's hard, you hurt yourself so much when you're hooked. And you hurt the people around you. The pain you're putting the people you love through, it's worse than anything. It still hurts for me, I'm still in the long process of getting better. But this man is supporting me right now very much, and that helps too. We're still having difficulties relating to each other, because we come from so different lifestyles. But we try. And I'm sitting here right now thinking about how people that's reading this will react. But I really had to do this. No one should be feeling like this. And I thought that I could just have it inside me and never talk about it. I denied that it had happened. This happened almost a year ago, and I still can't even listen to some music that even only have one word about it. And like I said, this is like therapy for me, I had to do this for myself too. And I hope that the people who's reading this take it the right way, that I think that it's important to talk about very heavy problems, you'll feel so much better, even if you don't think so at first. But it's true. Everybody isn't this open and want to talk about it on their blog. That's okay, you talk about it with anyone you want.
I will continue trying to get better so that I can at least go outside and see something that is about drugs and not running inside and thinking about the memories I have. I have to embrace the memories and learn how to live with them. Because they will not disappear, they will always be a part of me. Everybody go through different kinds of bad and good stuff in life. And the memories will always be there, and you can either learn how to live with them, or live a life in isolation. And I wont live in isolation anymore, I want to live my life. I suggest you do the same. :)
It feels really good to write so much about this, it's like some weight falls off my shoulders. :) I hope this helped you too!
Peace and Love - JP <3.
